For Grieving Out Loud
REV PATTI SHAFFNER - CERTIFIED GRIEF EDUCATOR - GRIEF RITUAL TENDER - PEER TO PEER
What the Heck!?!
I know - I’m a musician.
What is there all this about Grief on a musician’s website?
I’m also a widow. (it has taken me a long time to become comfortable with that word)
And - I found that grief support sucks. Not just in my locale - but in our over-culture.
In 2021 I studied with David Kessler to become a peer to peer Certified Grief Educator. In 2023 I attended a five month Grief Ritual Tender training with Francis Weller, PhD. I’ve studied with and learned from others as well: Dr Mia Hetényi and Mirabai Starr and countless books and a whole lotta writhing around in my grief to find solid ground where there had been none.
I consider myself a Grief Literacy Advocate and I think we don’t flounder as much when there is space and time for grieving together.
If you or someone you know is walking this rough road - send them my way.
I do this because I believe we all deserve support for all the many griefs we meet in life - not because I’m in it for the money.
I hear the sorrow
I see the pain
I wish I had been able to find - in those early excruciating days - someone to listen and remind me that I was normal and that grief is not something to cure or fix or heal or get over - rather it is evidence of love.
Grief is Love - Our tears - they are Holy Holy
“Grief has always been communal, always been shared and consequently has traditionally been regarded as a sacred process. Too often in modern times our grief becomes private, carrying an invisible mantle of shame forcing our sorrow underground, hidden from the eyes that would offer healing. We must restore the conversation we need to have concerning the place of grief in our lives. “
~ Frances Weller
“The Wild Edge Of Sorrow”
ONe Foot and then another
Moving in Grief is a 'one step at a time' experience.
Sometimes the steps are through mud and your shoe is sucked off your foot and you can barely move.
Other times...you take two steps forward and one step back. Progress is slow...but you are moving.
I have a song about that.
And still other times....it is a Cha Cha.
Of course there are the days when the most you can do is stand in one place.....willing yourself to stop breathing because you can no longer bear the pain.
I've been in all these places. Wishing the world would stop...because it did on 'that' day, for me. I think it probably did for you too.
But the world keeps turning and no one else...except the few who know and love you best...can see that time stopped when your person's heart stopped. And now you can't move...
...because if you take a step you will fall into the void to go after them.
And then....
...and then....
one day you start to walk again.
Maybe at first a bit like a zombie....unseeing...numb.
Eventually you find that the steps are easier.
Because life does go on...
...because one day you find that you trust that the ground will meet you.
One day you notice that instead of your person being the 'first' thing you think of when you open your eyes in the morning.....they are the second.
I don't know yet, myself, whether they become the third or fourth.
But I do know that I don't do the Cha Cha as often.
I do know that I laugh genuinely more often.
I do know that I am beginning to feel lighter.
I do know that I can see more than one step in front of me now
...and it feels good to see a path unfolding...even if it is only a few steps.
I've learned to believe that there is still a "YES!" for me.
So if you're here....
Give yourself the Grace you would give to those you love best....
One step at a time.....no matter what direction the next step takes.
And know that there are those...and I am one...who will walk with you.
pattishaffner.bandcamp.com/track/dattsallottawatta
Walking in grief - the ‘what now?’
I have an app on my phone that counts my steps in a day.Of course it only counts steps IF I happen to have my phone on me.Also... it only counts steps that have been physically taken by moving my body.What is does NOT count...The steps I have taken in any given day to face my reality...The steps of making phone calls to address the business of death...The steps I have taken in meditation...The steps I have taken in watching emotions rise and fall and walking my mind and heart and body back to the moment....The steps I take in dreams...The steps I take into the past that my person and I shared...The steps I take into the future that is unfolding before me...The steps I have taken away from my center...The steps I take back to myself...More than the 8,000 or 10,000 that is said to maintain my health......More than anyone can count...More than anyone knows.... not even me....And I just keep walking....